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Relocation Humor: Why I Bought A House
The Rental Experience in South Florida Readers: This is based on a true experience -- only slightly exaggerated -- part of my life of adventure. If I had read my own book, Making the Big Move, and followed my own advice, none of this would have happened! A word to the wise ... To: Cathy Goodwin Welcome to Agony by the Sea! We are so pleased you have chosen to rent from us. You will love our beautiful grounds, our fully-equipped fitness center and our sparkling swimming pools. The residents are a friendly group and we know you'll enjoy meeting them at our many social events. Enclosed are brochures proclaiming our commitment to Superior Service Quality. We are sure you'll be happy here. Before you move in, we need to have the following monies in certified funds. A few drops of blood on the contract wouldn't hurt either. For your convenience, here are numbers for electricity, telephone, newspaper and that all-important cable service. Please arrange to turn them on before you arrive. To: Cathy Goodwin To: Agony Arms To:Cathy Goodwin To: Agony Arms To: Cathy Goodwin Our definition of Superior Service does not include notifying the residents of packages as they arrive. That is the responsibility of UPS, FedEx or whatever carrier the sender chooses. We recommend you advise people to send you packages only by US Mail, as the mail carriers won't let us anywhere near their packages anymore. The Postal Inspectors are a lot less forgiving than the UPS drivers. You may come get your packages during our office hours, which have been reduced to 10-5 Monday-Friday. To: Agony Arms Then again, maybe I could walk down there and get some exercise. The fitness center, which is guarded with those $50 keys, was vandalized and none of the machines work. The downstairs speakers are broken. Instead of fixing them, you play the upstairs speakers extra loud. And the music is so awful that nearly everybody wears earphones to drown it out. To: Cathy Goodwin However, if you do not wish to have us receive packages, we will waccommodate your wishes. We will go through each day's shipment, check for your name, and refuse to accept anything addressed to you. In other words, we are willing to spend time and energy to deny you service, but not to offer you any service in the first place. As for the fitness center, nobody else has complained. We choose music that most people like. Earphones? They're probably listening to a stereo version of the radio station we chose for the speakers. To: Agony Arms Just out of curiosity, why do you give us windshield stickers if nobody patrols the grounds? To: Cathy Goodwin To: All Tenants Note that residents of Agony Arms cannot be out of town for more than three days, because we need to be able to send you surprise notices at all times. And we want to keep track of your visitors. Think of us as your housemother, not your landlord. To: Agony Arms To: Cathy Goodwin To: All Tenants To: Agony Arms Even if I owed this money, do you really believe a hand-scrawled note taped to the doorknob Friday morning, demanding payment by 5 o'clock Friday evening, delivers the "professionalism" and "Superior Service" that you keep promising? Your note says if I do not pay up I will be considered delinquent and my credit destroyed forever. Don't you usually send a bill first? Don't any of the other tenants ever work past five? To: Cathy Goodwin To: Agony Arms Do you plan to shampoo the carpet before you throw it away? Anyway, the lease says I am supposed to leave the apartment in the condition I found it. What does that leave you to do? There's no evidence that anything was decorated in this apartment in the last ten years, let alone re-decorated. Oh yes, attached is a copy of a water bill which came out of nowhere. My lease does not say anything about paying a water bill. True, buried in all the documents I signed under duress, I found a line about authorizing you to add utility payments to my bill on thirty days notice. No notice, no check. End of discussion. I seem to spend more time defending myself against bogus bills than doing anything else. Why don't you change your slogan to Agony Arms, the work-creating community? To: Cathy Goodwin To: Leasing Agents To: Cathy Goodwin To: All Tenants We have no social events scheduled for the month of December, following the pattern established in July, August, September, October and November. However, our monthly Pest Control visit remains as scheduled. The exterminator is a nice guy, and Pest Control can be considered a social event in South Florida. As Christmas approaches, we are grateful for each of our tenants. Each of you is a blessing and we hope you stay a long time. In fact, if you recommend a new blessing who signs a lease, we will enter your name in a drawing for a prize -- one month's free rent! We're not desperate or anything. We just hope you'll share your Agony Arms experience with as many people as possible! To: Agony Arms I'm outta here. Please give my sincerest condolences to my replacement, as well as this extra set of earplugs to cope with my stereo-loving neighbor. You can bet I'll share my experience a lot. Signed, About The Author Cathy Goodwin, Ph.D., is an author, speaker and career/business consultant, helping midlife professionals take their First step to a Second Career. http://www.cathygoodwin.com. "Ten secrets of mastering a major life change" mailto:subscribe@cathygoodwin.com Contact: cathy@cathygoodwin.com 505-534-4294
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